ACOJE ONLINE COMMUNITY

Tatlong kolehiyala sa loob ng jeep...
Karina: Bakit may amoy malansa?
Kim: Oo nga! Parang amoy CHLOROX!
Kay: (GALIT) Ang aarte nyo! Para dumighay lang ako, eh!

After Ondoy....
Pukpuk 1: sa sobrang hirap ng panahon ngaun,kahit 200 payag na ko.
Pukpuk 2: ako kahit 100..payag na!
Pukpuk 3: Me, blowjob for free na! may makain lng!!!


Egg preservation STATE...
Maalat-alat: salted egg iyan.
Maitim: century egg.
Maybuhok: balut iyan.
Mabaho: bugok iyan.
Malibag: Bah? bayag na 'yan!

PADRE : Parang lumalaki and tiyan mo, Sister!
Nun : Kabag lang ito, Father.
(After nine months nakita muli ni father si sister, maydala-dalang baby)
PADRE : WOW sistah! Ang cute naman ng UTOT mo!

Kinausap si Nene ng kanyang ina...
Ina: Naku, mag-aasawa ka na, anak?! Ang laking lalaki niyang mapapangasawa mo, tapos, ang liit-liit mo lang!
Nene: Ay mader? My narinig ka na bang PPng na-CHOKE o NABULUNAN?

(Nag-aapply si Juliet na security guard...)

Interviewer: Ang kailangan namin ay taong laging may suspicious mind, highly alert, inquiring personality, strong sense of hearing with a killer instinct. Sa tingin mo ba qualified ka?
Juliet: Sa palagay ko po hindi. Pwede po bang yun mister ko na lang ang mag-apply?

Sa mga gustong magpabata
Pasyente ... magkano ang facelift?
Doktora ... complete treatment ay P145,000
Pasyente .... mahal!!! ano bang pinakamurang treatment para magmukha akong bata?
Doktora ... heto PACIFIER, P20 lang!!

Anak: Ma, totoo ba na "First love never dies?"
Mader: Aba, oo. Tignan mo yang Dad mo, hanggang ngayon buhay pa ang animal!

Husband caught wife having sex with neighbor and shot the guy dead.
WIFE: Hiblood ka talaga LABS! Pag di ka nagchange, mauubus ang KARRUBA!

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
From 18 to 22, she is like Africa -half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful
From 23 to 30, she is like Europe-well-developed and open to trade, especially for something of real value
From 31 to 35, she is like Spain-very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty
From 36 to 40, she is like Greece -gently aging, but still a warm and desirable place to visit
From 41 to 50, she is like Great Britain, with glorious and all-conquering past
From 51 to 60, she is like Israel-has been through war, doesn't make the same mistakes twice, and takes care of business
From 61 to 70, she is like Canada-cool, self-preserving, but open to meeting new people
After 70, she becomes Tibet-wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages....an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
From birth to death, a man is like IRAN - ruled by nuts.

Txt Shortcuts...
TB: Txt Back
TT: Txt Tayo
TTLAKI: Txt Tayo Later Ako Intay
KKLIIT: Kuripot Ka, Lagi Ikaw Intay Txt
PUKIMO: Pag-Uwi Ko, I-txt Moko, Okey?

Dalawang magkaibigan nagtetext....
PEPE: Tol! pasa load namn! 2pesos lang, my katx lng me.
Tol: cge. w8 lng.
(message sent)
Pepe: Tnx tol! bait mo talaga!
Tol: Ogag! wag ka na magtex! sayang ung pinasa ko sayo!!!
Pepe: K

Mabel: bilis dad! nahulog cel ko sa panty ko!!! ..nagba-vibrate!!!
MR: e anong gagawin ko? kukunin ko sa panty mo?
Mabel: Sira!!! kunin mo ung charger at baka malowbat!!!

Anak: Inay, sinisilip ng kaklase ko 'yung panty ko!
Inay: Bastos 'yun, ah! Ano ginawa mo?
Anak: Inalis ko at itinago ko po 'yung panty ko, para 'di na n'ya makita!

MR: Darling pag ulo lang daw ipapasok ko pag nag-sex tayo magiging presidente daw ang anak natin
MRS: Shoot! d bale ng barangay tanod basta ilubog mo na pati itlog!

Pakiingles nga ito:: Si Lino maysakit, Si Tibo Nagsalita..( Joklah> agoy

August cynxa I dilluted my post. SoSo, BINATIN MO si Lino ng sarapan.

1st year Masaya ang ASAWA
After 5 years tanggalin ang a, SAWA na
After 10 years tanggalin ang s, AWA na lang
Years thereafter, tanggalin mong a, WA na!

TEACHER: Anong mangyayari pag puputulin ang 1 mong tenga?
BOY: hihina po pandinig ko.
TEACHER: e kung dalawang tenga?
BOY: lalabo po paningin ko!
TEACHER: bakit naman?
BOY: malalaglag na pong salamin ko

dalawang madre nirereyp ng goons....
Madre1: diyos ko! patawarin mo po cla...d nila alam ang kanilang ginagawa.
Madre2: Diyos ko salamat! ang akin po ay marunong!!!

Dentist & Lover....
Dentist: Lab we have 2 stop seeing each other... halata na tayo ng MR mo
Lover: but we love each other!
Dentist: oo nga...but we’re running out of excuses....LA NA AKONG BUBUNUTIN SA IYO!

Wife: honey... bili mo naman ako ng bra...
Husband: Hon.. wag ka ng magbra...liit namn dede mo eh..
Wife: (taas ang kilay at gl8 na gl8 si madam) eh, bakit ka nagbri-brief?!!

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,
"Did you call for me?" The man replies "No; what do you mean?"
She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection it implies you called for me."
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

The man continued to explore facilities. He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farted. W/in minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room toward him, "Did you call for me?"
"No!" says the newbee. "You must be new," says the hairy man, "it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and had his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, "May I help you?" she says. The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee. "But sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see the rest of our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 68 years old; I only get an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day; I'm outta here!"

ANAK: Dad! naka-experience na ko ng blowjob! yahoo!!!
DAD: Wow! anak!...binata ka na? anong feeling??
ANAK: Ang sakit po sa panga!!!

Anak: Nay!!! my mens na ko!
Nay: Ano kulay...aber?
Anak: Dark brown nay!
Nay: Lintik na joklang to!!! SKIDMARKS lang yan… hala, maghugas ka na ng pwet! AMBISYOSA!!

Arab interviewed at US Consulate:
Q: Ur name pls..
A: Abdul Aziz
Q: Sex?
A: Twice a wik..
Q: I meant male or female?
A: It doesn't matter.... sometimes I do IT even with camel...(si August pa kaya???)

Nagpa-blood test si Tulume
Kumuha ng sample ang nars. Pagkatapos, walang makitang bulak ang nars kaya sinipsip ng nars ang daliri ni Tulume.
Naligayahan si Tulume kaya humirit:
Nars, "Gusto ko na ring magpa-urine test!"

Very Sexy Girl Confessing:
PARI: Iha, ano ang iyong ikukumpisal?
SEXY: Father, pag nakakarinig po ako ng lalaking NAGMUMURA; na-a-atat ako, at di ko mapigilan ang sarili ko na yayain siyang magsex!
PARI: TANG INA! Di nga? Anak ng PUTSA…

Moans of orgasms:
Positive: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!"
Negative: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!"
Religious: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!"

BINATA: Ms, puede bang manligaw sayo?
DALAGA: Bakit?! may CRV ka ba? BMW? Mercedez? Lexus?
BINATA: Geeh!!! At bakit din?! Anong PPng mayroon ka??? PARKING LOT?!!!

Two preschoolers were in the pool swimming naked!
Girl: Can I touch that slimy and hanging little thing
Boy: No way! See, you already broke yours!

GIRL: Hide and seek tayo. If u find me, papayag akong makipag-sex sa 'yo...
BOY: Eh, kung di kita makita?
GIRL: Di nandoon ako nakahide sa banyo...

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Q. Why do couples hold hands during weddings?
A. It is just a PRELUDE. Like "2 boxers", they shake hands before the fight begins

Monica: I'm warning you! My husband will be back in 1 hour!
HUNK VISITOR: Wala naman akong ginawang masama ah?
Monica: Binibigyan na nga kita ng HINT! Kung may balak ka, GAWIN MO NA!!!

YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth

A 90 years old man starts making love to his 85 years old wife
He started sucking her breasts
After 10 seconds, the man died
Autopsy report:
Cause of death; Expired milk.

Amo: Inday, titira dito ang biyenan ko ng 3 buwan ha. Ito ang listahan ng mga favorite nyang pagkain.
Maid: Opo, sir.
Amo: TANDAAN mo eto, kapag may niluto ka kahit isa dyan, SISANTI KA!

AMO: Inday,ilang Liter meron sa 1 Family Size Coke?
INDAY: 4 Liters po ati...
AMO:Huh?! cigurado ka?!
INDAY: opo ati!
Liter C
Liter O
Liter K
Liter E
Da vah 4 liters?

Husband: Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife: That?s a good idea dear?.doon ka sa may plantsahan at ako naman ang uupo sa sofa at manoood ng TV ha!

DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage

(NOON) Always remember,
when SHE cancels a date, she HAS TO.
But....when HE cancels a date...... he HAS TWO.
(NOW)beware...when SHE cancels a date...... she HAS TWO na rin!!!

DEFINITIONS by UTOT:

Loves the smell of other people's farts…AMIABLE

Loves the smell of his own farts…VAIN

Thinks his farts don’t stink…PROUD

Releases silent farts and then blushes…SHY

Boldly farts out loud and then laughs…IMPRUDENT

Tries awfully hard to fart but got carried away…UNFORTUNATE

Farts regularly but more concerned about air pollutants…SCIENTIFIC

Stops in the middle of his fart…NERVOUS

Admits he farted but offers good medical reasons…HONEST

Farts and then blames the dog…DISHONEST

Suppresses a fart for hours and hours and ends up in the hospital…FOOLISH

Has several good farts in reserve…THRIFTY

Excuses himself and farts in complete privacy…ANTI-SOCIAL

Conceals his farts with loud cough…STRATEGIC

Farts in bed and then fluffs the cover over his bed mates head…SADISTIC

Truly love to fart, but can't fart at all…MISERABLE

Farts and then starts crying…SENSITIVE

Pasyente: Doc, may problema ako.....tuwing alas otso ng umaga dumudumi ako...
Doktor: So, anong problema doon? Dapat matuwa ka at regular ka.
Pasyente: Kaso Doc, alas nuwebe po ako nagigising eh.

Question: Ano ang similarity ng UTOT at TULA?
Answer : Pareho silang nagmula sa "POET"!

Anak: Itay, ano po ang kaibhan ng confident sa confidential?
Itay: Anak kita, CONFIDENT ako dyan. Yung bestpren mong si BoyBoy, anak ko
rin yon at CONFIDENTIAL yan ha! Huwag na huwag sasabihin sa iyong ina!!!

Birthday ng Biyenan

Manugang: Nay, to po binili ko kayo ng lupang mahihimlayan
Biyenan: Salamat na-alala mo ako at kung sakali man may magagamit na ako
A year past by…Birthday uli ni Biyenan
Biyenan 2 manugang: Nakalimutan mo ata ako ngayon iho?
Manugang: Nay di po! Humihirit kayo eh, di pa ninyo nagagamit ang regalo ko sa inyo!!
Biyenan: Boy, kahit kalian, tarantado ka talaga…

Ingat sa WISHES

Misis: "Diyos ko po! sawang sawa na ako sa pagsusugal, paglalasing at pambabae ng asawa ko…sana po naman ay tumigil na siya ng bahay!”So araw araw siyang taos pusong nagdasal hanggang dumating ang araw na pinakamimithi niya…inataki si Mister,,,di makakilos at nakalatay sa bahay…gl8 na gl8 si Misis: “TANG INAng buhay 2! Nasa bahay nga ang animal!! la namang silbi!!!”
Balik dasal si Misis: “Diyos ko po PAYAG na po akong magsugal, maglasing at mambabae na siya kahit araw araw… ibalik lamang po ang dati nyang sigla!”

LET’S NAME NAMES OF OUR KARRUBAS by THEIR UTOT:
I will start with me dahil SADISTIC ako at talagang I will let out a silent one then cover my bedmate with the blanket…pag nagreklamo I tell her na NAKIKIAMOY lang siya so don’t get mad

August is very AMIABLE at para sa kanya, walang masamang tinapay at amoy!

Who farts out loud and laughs about it parang si ka Lud yan na may pagka IMPRUDENT

At sino naman ang SHY at iiyakan ng sariling utot? Thel ikaw na ba yan?

Tries awfully hard to fart but got carried away…UNFORTUNATE parang si Maribel e2

Walang pikunan ha…Can you pin one of them?

The Barber & the Filipino
One day a Florist goes to the barber for a haircut. After the cut, he tries to pay the barber for his work. 'I'm sorry,' says the barber, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service.' The florist was elated & left the shop. The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a thank you card & a dozen roses waiting at his door.
Soon, a Police Officer comes in for a haircut & also tried to pay but the barber told him, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service.' The officer leaves the shop & the next morning when the barber opens he finds a thank you note & a dozen donuts waiting at his door.
Later, a Filipino Cook came in for a haircut & upon trying to pay, the barber refuses his money because he is doing community service. The Filipino happily leaves & the next morning, the barber finds, a dozen Filipinos waiting for a FREE haircut.